“Wax on…Wax off.”

Being born at the end of 1972, I was in the midst of full blown puberty through most of the 1980s. And, as a nerd with no real social graces of any kind, I used to do what every other teenage boy with cable did at the time…I would sneak out to our family living room to watch the marvels of late night cable programming. I would turn down the tv as low as I could in hopes of not waking up the parental units and, in what I thought to be sheer genius, I would cover both the television set and my head with a quilt to keep the light leaking out to a minimum.

Perhaps it was the paranoia of getting caught, and perhaps it was just watching way too many teen sex comedies, but my fond memories of my late night adventures in the 80s are much more exciting than any hardcore porn you can download online. I probably should have classified that under “too much information.” But, if the title of this post didn’t scare you off, I’m guessing a little quilt confession won’t either.

What I bring you today, my loyal readers, is my top 10 list of the ultimate spank-it movies of the 80s. They have have damaged my eyes and put hair on my palms, but they also helped me reach manhood…sometimes 2 or 3 times a night.

Top 10 Movies to Spank It to in the 80s:

10. The Fly (1986): I kind of feel a bit dirty with this one. The scene with Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis on the couch was hot to a 13 year old in the 80s, I don’t care what anyone says. Although, I would have to stop the video before the part where she finds the nasty hair on his back.

9. Bolero (1984): This movie was terrible. Lots of naked Bo Derek, though, which is always good. Plus, a very young and very naked Olivia D’Abo. She holds a special place in my palm to this day.

8. Just One of the Guys (1985): A girl dresses up like a boy to write a newspaper article about high school. I don’t know how many times I rewound the boob shot at the end of the movie. That girl had some of the most perfect breasts I’ve ever seen. It all comes back to the breasts.

7. Quest for Fire (1982): Rae Dawn Chong as a cavewoman getting banged from behind by Ron Perleman. And, when she taught him the missionary position, it because a romance film for me. They made us watch this film in my anthropology class in high school…I can tell you I was a bit embarrassed to have to stand up at the end of class. Does that make me a bad person?

6. Revenge of the Nerds (1984): Two words - Hair Pie!

5. Porky’s (1981): This movie was a bit of a legend in Jr. High School. I remember hearing the entire story second hand from some of my friends who had watched it. Frustration haunted me because I could never catch it on television, and these were the days long before Tivo. Finally, in the summer of 1985, I finally saw the promised land. And it was good. The young Kim Cattrall as the girl only known as “Lassie” and the famous sequence that followed will forever be remembered by me fondlely…er…fondly. Kim Cattrall, I love you.

4. Dangerous Liaisons (1988): As a high school student, my tastes in Skinemax flicks had begun to grown and become refined. Luckily, so too did the late night offerings on HBO. Dangerous Liasons mixed two of my favorite things - softcore entertainment and a good period piece costume drama. Bravo! A young, hot Uma Thurman before shot got all skanked-up. Lots of nookie…even if it was with John Malkovich. Plus, Uma had some hefty hooters back then. Oh, how the times have changed.

3. About Last Night (1986): Demi Moore was hot and naked. What the hell could be better than that? Plus, Rob Lowe is almost a chick, so it was kind of like a hot lesbian movie if you squinted just right.

2. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982): There is not a straight man or boy in the 80s who didn’t whack it to Phoebe Cates in this movie. If you say you didn’t then I call you a liar. Or gay.

1. Bachelor Party (1984): I just loved this movie for so many reasons. Centerfold, Monique Gabrielle, was hot as the naked Tracy (not even the head of a man appearing on her body in the dream sequence would stop me), but the stripper with the donkey still haunts my dreams till this day. I’d take her with or without the donkey.

I do want to give a special mention to Electric Blue series that ran on the Playboy Channel. Because it was on an adult channel in the old day’s of cable, I never really saw a full episode because of that God-damned wavey line down the middle. I am convinced I must have damaged my eyes trying to cross them enough to get the two halves of the picture back together…not that a distorted picture was enough to stop me when I was a kid. So there you go, Electric Blue is the reason I wear glasses.

I was also going to mention the naked she-duck in the 1986 film, Howard the Duck, but didn’t want to risk the wrath of PETA. So, just pretend I didn’t mention it.

That, my friends, wraps up the Top 10 Masturbation Flicks of the 1980s. You may notice a few of your favorites missing from the list. I left off 9 1/2 Weeks because, for some reason it always scared me. As a tubby man, I guess the thought of mixing food and sex was a bit much for me. Stewardess School was also missing from the list, mainly because having Donny Most star in the movie always caused me shrinkage. Finally, no Fatal Attraction. To tell the truth, Glenn Close causes me even more shrinkage than Donny Most. True story.

Now that we’re finished here, I want you to sit back, pick your favorite from the list, get yourself a little hand lotion and a clean sock, and let nature take its course.

-Mat N., the Nifty Nerd
http://www.TheNiftyNerd.com