If you were a kid in the 80s, then you were following the battle between two of the world’s super powers at the time.  No, I’m not referring to the US versus the Soviet Union.  There was something BIGGER going on and it threatened to tear families and friendships apart even more than the US Civil War.  That’s right, I’m talking about the battle between the two greatest shape-shifting robots ever created - the Trainsformers and the GoBots. 

If you were a fan of robot toys in the 80s then 1984 has got to have been one of the greatest years of your life.  In 1984 both the Gobots and the Transformers both made their way to toyshelves across the US and I for one experienced my first erection.  Although I enjoyed both lines of toys, I had an immediate preference for the Transformers from the very beginning.  Their good guy vs bad guy branding and statistic cards on the back of the toy packaging reminded me of the GI Joe figures I was already buying and made me feel like I was taking part in some storyline greater than myself.  To me, the Gobots were cheap and nowhere near as cool.

Which brings us to how I became embroiled in the great Transformers-Gobots War of 1984-1987.  I remember taking my brand new Starscream and Soundwave figures to school back when I was in 5th grade.  I was so proud of them and was looking forward to showing the bad-ass toys to my friends in class.  Unfortunately, a surprise was waiting for me in the form of one Jon Chong, my bitter rival and arch nemesis.  He had arrived in class a few moments before me — I was running late due to my mom forgetting to put my daily Crunch bar into my Dukes of Hazard lunchbox — and was showing off his new Gobots toys to the girl of my dreams, Stacey Liu. 

Damn him, I thought, realizing that my totally sweet Starscream would make me look like a copycat after his earlier reveal.  Damn his Leader-1 and his Cykill…damn them straight to hell!

I must have been steaming a bit too loudly because Jon turned and saw me standing there, Decepticons held tightly in my trembling young hands.  He then said four words that will forever haunt my dreams, “Dude, the Transformers suck!”

The group of kids around him laughed at me as tears welled up in my eyes.  The light of my life, Stacey Liu, laughed at me.  I felt my world shrink to a narrow field of vision focused on the source of my pain.  Jon Chong and the Gobots. 

Something in my small, adolescent mind must have snapped because I came to a few moments later.  The sound of sobs echoed from behind me and a new dent graced the side of my otherwise mint-condition Dukes of Hazard lunchbox — the lid had become dislodged and I saw with horror that my Crunch bar lay in the playground dirt at my feet.

As our teacher, Mrs. Tanaka, rushed forward to haul me off to the principals office, I saw validation resting on the ground next to my dusty candy bar — both sets of toys had fallen to the ground, but only my Decepticons remained intact and as good as new.  The vile Gobots and my foe were both broken.  Cykill lost his front wheel, Leader-1 had a broken wing and, best of all, the evil Jon Chong suffered a black eye.

I don’t normally condone violence, but in this case I have to admit that nothing in my life has felt better than looking back into Jon’s black eye and knowing the sweet taste of victory.  And, looking down at Starscream and Soundwave, I know they felt the same way.

On a side note, a lot of people (like my younger self) have accused the Gobots of being nothing more than a cheap knock-off of the Transformers.  It’s actually not completely the case.  While Tonka, makers of the Gobots, didn’t get into the transforming robot business until the early-80s, they beat the Transformers to US shelves in early 1984.  Going beyond the toys, the Gobots TV series premiered about a week and a half before the original Transformers mini-series.  Even their movie, Gobots: War of the Rock Lords, was released before the Transformers movie in 1986. 

Still, in spite of earlier releases, the Gobots never reached the level of success the Transformers held and Hasbro eventually bought their manufacturer, Tonka, in 1991, folding the Gobots characters into the world of the Transformers. 

And to that I want to say to the now older Jon Chong, “Dude, the Gobots Suck!”

-Mat N., the Nifty Nerd
http://www.TheNiftyNerd.com