If you were a kid in the 80s, then you were following the battle between two of the world’s super powers at the time.  No, I’m not referring to the US versus the Soviet Union.  There was something BIGGER going on and it threatened to tear families and friendships apart even more than the US Civil War.  That’s right, I’m talking about the battle between the two greatest shape-shifting robots ever created - the Trainsformers and the GoBots. 

If you were a fan of robot toys in the 80s then 1984 has got to have been one of the greatest years of your life.  In 1984 both the Gobots and the Transformers both made their way to toyshelves across the US and I for one experienced my first erection.  Although I enjoyed both lines of toys, I had an immediate preference for the Transformers from the very beginning.  Their good guy vs bad guy branding and statistic cards on the back of the toy packaging reminded me of the GI Joe figures I was already buying and made me feel like I was taking part in some storyline greater than myself.  To me, the Gobots were cheap and nowhere near as cool. Read More »

“Wax on…Wax off.”

Being born at the end of 1972, I was in the midst of full blown puberty through most of the 1980s. And, as a nerd with no real social graces of any kind, I used to do what every other teenage boy with cable did at the time…I would sneak out to our family living room to watch the marvels of late night cable programming. I would turn down the tv as low as I could in hopes of not waking up the parental units and, in what I thought to be sheer genius, I would cover both the television set and my head with a quilt to keep the light leaking out to a minimum.

Perhaps it was the paranoia of getting caught, and perhaps it was just watching way too many teen sex comedies, but my fond memories of my late night adventures in the 80s are much more exciting than any hardcore porn you can download online. I probably should have classified that under “too much information.” But, if the title of this post didn’t scare you off, I’m guessing a little quilt confession won’t either.

What I bring you today, my loyal readers, is my top 10 list of the ultimate spank-it movies of the 80s. They have have damaged my eyes and put hair on my palms, but they also helped me reach manhood…sometimes 2 or 3 times a night.

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As any kid in the 80s, I was a cartoon fanatic.  And, to be perfectly honest, I think we had the best cartoons of any decade.  Yes, I will challenge anyone who disagrees with me to a Filipino knife fight. 

Silverhawks was produced by Rankin/Bass for Lorimar television, the same people that brought us one of the most loved cartoons of the 80s, the Thundercats…oh, and the less successful Tigersharks cartoon.  I guess the head honchos at Rankin/Bass wanted a cartoon for each element — air, water and land…the only one they missed was fire.  It’s too bad their fourth series, Flaming Hairdressers, never made it on air. Read More »

They may be  closer to Old Cogers than New Kids but they are back.  After 14 years, Jordan, Jonathan, Joey, Donnie and Danny are back together and the creative dynamo once known as the “New Kids on the Block” lives once more.

The Modern New Kids.

And by “creative dynamo” I mean former teen heart throbs who, during the height of their popularity, were known to score more underage vag than R Kelly ever landed.  And they did it all without ever peeing on anyone. Read More »

“Bionics On!”

The mid to late 1980s was easily one of the best times for cartoons here in the United States.  I challenge anyone who dares to disagree with me to a Filipino knife fight.  There were a lot of incredible action-adventure cartoons during that time period - Dungeons & Dragons, He-Man, Bravestar, Thundercats, Silverhawks, Tigersharks, Dinosaucers, GI Joe, Transformers, Blackstar, Jemm (don’t mock me), the Mighty Orbots, Visionaries, M.A.S.K., the Inhumanoids and probably another 20 I’m forgetting.  However, one of the greatest cartoons of all time, and one which has faded into a little bit of obscurity, was the Bionic Six. Read More »

My nephew came over to the house today to play with our Xbox 360 and WII consoles. Like any young kid, he was absolutely convinced he could beat an “old guy” like me in the latest next-gen games. He told me that adults didn’t know how to play games and that he was going to tea-bag me in Halo 3. Little did he realize that at this point in my life I’ve been playing video games for almost 30 years and that I eat little shits like him for breakfast…figuratively speaking, that is. I don’t actualy condone eating children or shit. Unless you have to.

Once the young’un had been properly schooled and tea bagged, his father (my brother-in-law) decided that he was going to take a turn at trying to give me the Halo 3 beat down. He’s about 7 years younger than I am and even cockier than his son. He figured my hands would be tired after a 45 minute deathmatch session with his son and that I would stand no chance against his…how did he put it?…”mad skillz.” Read More »